What if we took a minute and rethought what success means for our children? The Institute of Child Psychology offers a beautiful perspective on this, stating: “I’d rather my kids be the ones who are average in school and in sports but hold the door open for a teacher, comfort a crying classmate, invite everyone to their table. I want my kids to be the kind kids above anything else. Because that is how they’ll change the world.”  For me as a parent, grandparent, and educator, this vision of success encourages us to focus on what really matters: raising kind, empathetic, and compassionate children who, in one small way at a time, make the world better through their actions and character.

This idea aligns beautifully with our Jewish values, which have always emphasized the importance of kindness and integrity above all else. Jewish teaching constantly reminds us that what we do for others is the essence and purpose of a meaningful life. The Talmud teaches, “Derech eretz kadma l’Torah”—good manners and decent behavior come before Torah learning. Our tradition understands that while learning is of the highest value, academic and intellectual pursuits are secondary to how we treat others. Rabbi Hillel espoused this idea when he said, “What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. This is the entire Torah; the rest is commentary.” Jewish wisdom has always understood that the basis of living a good life begins with kindness and empathy. When children learn to hold the door for a teacher, comfort a crying peer, or make sure no one sits alone at lunch, they are living these values in their most impactful form.

Brain research supports these Jewish teachings as there have been numerous studies that found that emotional intelligence (EQ)—the ability to understand, manage, and navigate emotions in oneself and others—is a better predictor of long-term success than traditional intelligence (IQ). Daniel Goleman, a leader in the study of EQ, has highlighted how skills like empathy, self-regulation, and social connection are critical for thriving in relationships, workplaces, and communities. Children who learn to notice and respond to the feelings of others, or who practice inclusion and compassion, are developing these critical skills -skills that will serve them well in life well beyond Schechter Bergen.  This is why, at Schechter, one of our core values is Tikkun Olam and three of our five character strengths focus on kindness, empathy and perseverance. The other two, curiosity and gratitude also help to foster emotional intelligence. At Schechter, we just don’t believe these ideas, we invest time in helping our children understand these values.

These essential qualities extend far beyond childhood. Research shows that those with high emotional intelligence tend to be happier, maintain better relationships, and are more successful as leaders and collaborators. They are better equipped to handle challenges and show resilience in the face of adversity. By raising kind and emotionally intelligent children, we give them tools that not only improve their lives but also empower them to positively impact the world around them. We are not just helping our children succeed; we are giving them the ability to help others too.

Raising compassionate and kind children begins with us, the adults in their lives, modeling kindness in our everyday interactions. Children internalize these lessons when they see them in action. It also means celebrating the moments when they choose kindness, just as we celebrate academic achievements. An acknowledgment of their thoughtfulness can reinforce the idea that being a mensch—someone of integrity and compassion—is something to strive for.

As parents, it can be a challenge  to shift our focus away from grades as the primary (only) focus to less tangible achievements like kindness. But when we embrace this shift, we align our parenting with values that are both Jewish and transformative. The prophet Micah stated this clearly long ago when he asked, “What does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” These words remind us that raising children who embody kindness, fairness, and humility is the greatest contribution we can make—not just to their futures, but to the world.

Choosing to prioritize kindness doesn’t mean abandoning other goals for our children; rather, it’s about understanding that compassion, kindness and empathy - emotional intelligence - are the foundational building blocks that support everything else. When our children learn to be the ones who notice the lonely classmate, hold the door for a stranger, or speak up for someone in need, they are creating patterns of goodness that will expand  beyond their immediate actions. In raising mensches, we raise positive change-makers, and there is no greater legacy than that.